It sometimes seems that many non-trans persons have a stereotype about trans persons: that
we want typical male + female relationships, and some may even feel that our gender identity
is a way to "normalize" what non-trans persons often misunderstand as "same
gender" relationships. Of course, we know that is not the case, that gender identity is
not superficial but is who you are in your core being, and that gender identity and sexual
orientation are two completely different things. Your identity is who you are, and your
orientation is who you love, in all the ways one can love another.
Along with that stereotype, which ignores the enormous diversity in the trans community,
many seem also to not acknowledge the range of sexual activities that trans persons may
engage in.
Trans persons' attitudes toward sex can range from plain vanilla to full on kink, and in
that way we are no different than anyone else. Some of us may aspire to the hetero-normative
standard monogamous arrangement of man + woman, while others will explore a wide variety of
activities and arrangements. This page explores various activities that many persons—trans
or not—participate in, and some of the things trans persons need to be aware of to
stay healthy and sexually active.
The activities listed here describe oral sex, front penetration, and rear penetration. Sex
organ names conform to identity, so boys have a penis regardless of the size or shape, and
girls have a clit that can be similarly diverse in characteristics. Anyone can potentially
be penetrated from the front, and for the women this is called a vagina, whereas for the men
we use front hole or bonus hole.
Cisgender partners of trans persons should understand these terms too! Be supportive and
affirming of your partner—use the words they use, and ask if you don't know!
Love is an activity. Love is an action, an intention, and a giving. Often love and sex go together, but some trans persons identify as asexual, aromantic, or both. There are many different configurations in the kaleidoscope of love and sex activities.
Trans persons can love any gender, and we may refer to our love with words that are common (lesbian, gay, straight, same-sex, same-gender, hetero, monogamous, open, or poly, to name a few), or we may create our own words to describe our relationships, especially when we don't fit into one of the two standard gender boxes of "boy" or "girl."
Examples of lesser known words for relationships include perioriented (loving persons who have the same identity/orientation mix, such as trans women who love other trans women, or pansexul trans men who love other pansexual trans men) and transbian (a trans woman who identifies as lesbian, and some may use it to refer to trans women who love only other trans women).
Know of other words we use to describe our relationships? Send them to us or post in our Trans Health Forum with a description of how you use them and we will include them here!
We want to give props to a couple of general resources about love and sex from trans perspectives. One is a great resource full of information called Primed: The Back Pocket Guide for Transmen and the Men Who Dig Them. This freely available booklet discusses safety among activities from cruising and bathhouse visits to specific acts. Lot's of good information for the guys!
The second resource is Mira Bellwether's Fucking Trans Women. There isn't as much risk discussion in this zine, but there are 80 pages of empowering, sex positive information for trans women and their partners. The item is available for $5 through the tumblr advertising it, or directly through Payhip. If you want to read more about it first, check out the review and interview with Bellwether posted at Autostraddle..
Have another great resource you want to share? Let us know through our contact page or post in our Trans Health Forum so others can find out about it too!
We need to make sure it's clear who is giving oral to whom, and what we are talking about here. This section is about giving oral to a masculine identified, masculine-of-center, or other persons out in the gender universe who lean toward the boy side of things or like the idea of boy parts. A person who likely has a body part called a cock or a dick or a penis, regardless of size or shape, regardless of what box someone put you in at birth, that's who is getting oral here. Cis concepts of gender can be so limiting!
We know most cis boys like oral sex, but not all masculine-of-center persons will [always] enjoy someone giving attention to their front side. Because of the way nerves are arranged in folks with various body parts, sensitive areas can differ greatly between cis and trans men, so you may need to diversify your approach for best results, and we encourage checking in! Ask first what they like and what might be uncomfortable, and get consent. Negotiate likes and dislikes. It's important to check up on and check in with your partners!
Giving oral sex might involve a cis or trans man's excited hard or soft cock that can produce cum or precum, or may not produce fluid at all. Even if the dick itself doesn't produce cum or precum, at least some fluid is likely to be present if he also has a front hole. Remember, where body fluids are present, there is a higher likelihood of transfer of HIV and STIs if your partner has an infection.
Risk for HIV is lower for oral sex, but higher if you are giving oral to someone and have a sore or cut in your mouth. That includes having just brushed your teeth! Toothbrushes can leave tiny cuts on your gums. Want fresh breath before meeting someone? Chew gum instead.
Although risk for HIV is lower, risk for other STIs is high when giving oral sex, regardless of who you are with. Your mouth is a warm, dark (even if you talk a LOT), and moist place, so bacteria and viruses can grow there. For this reason, it's best to use a condom or other barrier when giving oral. To increase the sensitivity for the person you are giving oral sex to, put a little lube on the inside. If giving head to a man with a penis that doesn't work well with a condom, consider cutting the fingers off a medical glove, slitting the side, and using the thumb as a barrier.
To take away some of the bad taste of the condom or glove, some people say use flavored lube on the outside, but as lube manufacturers don't seem to be too good at flavoring their product, why stop there? Think about chocolate syrup, honey, jelly, or whatever else is tasty. Some items may accent condom flavors better than others—have fun experimenting to find what works for you!
[ Image credit Trans Guy Jay at the Twin Cities Trans March, 2007 ]
As with the previous section, we want to make sure we are clear who is giving oral to whom in this section. Here we are talking about giving oral to a femme or feminine identified, woman identified, femme-of-center, or other persons habiting the wide gender universe who lean toward the female side of things or like the idea of girl body parts. Many of these persons have a body part they likely call a clit, though some use other words or even our favorite—made-up words! Be creative! If the standard terms cause you discomfort, get with your lover (or not) and come up with your own!
Giving oral sex to femme identified persons can encompass a pretty wide variety of stimulation, and has sometimes been a bit of a misunderstood activity. The clit of a woman can sometimes be too sensitive for direct stimulation, so it's good to have a varied approach and experiment with stimulating the entire vulva area; check in occasionally to make sure what worked before is still effective. Trans women who have a clit without genital modification (only about 25% of us have that surgery) may like direct stimulation, but remember to be considerate of your partner and ask—not all trans women are comfortable with this part of their bodies. Trans women who have had genital modification may want more direct stimulation of the clitoris due to the different nerve structures, or the sensitivity may be too much at times. Regardless, as we will say often here, negotiate, get consent, and only then proceed! Respect your partner; respect yourself.
So giving oral sex to a femme identified person might involve giving oral to a cis or trans woman's excited hard or soft clit that can produce cum, precum, or may not produce fluid at all. Even if no cum or precum is evident, there may be fluid present if your partner has a vagina, and where body fluid is present, keep in mind that there is a higher likelihood that HIV and STIs can be transferred from one person to another.
Risk for HIV is lower for oral sex, but higher if you are giving oral sex to someone and have a sore or cut in your mouth. That includes having just brushed your teeth as toothbrushes can lave tiny cuts on your gums. If you want fresh breath before meeting someone, consider chewing some gum instead of brushing.
Although risk for HIV is lower for oral sex, risk for other STIs is high, whether you are playing with a cis woman, a trans woman, or a non-binary queer femme person—we all can unintentionally pass bugs along to others. Also, your mouth is a warm, dark, and moist place, so bacteria and viruses can grow there. For this reason, it's best to use a barrier when giving oral sex. Barriers can be dental dams, a condom with the tip cut off and slit along the side, non-microwaveable cling wrap (the microwaveable kind has tiny holes—don't use that), or a medical glove with the fingers cut off and slit up the little-finger side. Using a glove as a barrier has the advantage of having the thumb that can be used to penetrate with fingers or your tongue.
To increase the sensitivity for the person you are giving oral to, you can put a little lube on the side that contacts them. To take away some of the bad taste of the barrier, you could use flavored lube, but more tasty alternatives might be honey, chocolate, a smear of leftover cheesecake, or whatever else you love!
[ Image credit: Lance Iversen, The San Francisco Chronicle ]
If it's not your thing, feel free to skip this section. But rimming is some people's thing. For some people its totally a thing. If analingus is your thing you should read this.
There is some risk of infection from a variety of bacteria, viruses, and even parasites when eating out at the back door. As with other types of oral sex, risk for HIV is lower, but higher if you have a sore or cut in your mouth, even the tiny cuts that can be caused by brushing your teeth or flossing. Chew some gum if you want fresh breath before meeting someone. You can thank us later. :)
Risk for other STIs is significant. As mentioned for other types of oral sex, your mouth is a warm, dark, and moist place, so bacteria and viruses love to set up house there. For this reason, it's best to use a barrier such as a dental dam, a condom with the tip cut off and slit along the side, non-microwaveable cling wrap (the microwaveable kind has tiny holes, so don't use that), or a medical glove with the fingers cut off and slit up the little-finger side. The glove barrier has the advantage of having the thumb that can be used to penetrate with fingers or your tongue.
To increase the sensitivity for the person you are rimming, you can put a little lube on the side that contacts them. To take away some of the bad taste of the barrier, you could use flavored lube, but more tasty alternatives might be syrup, honey, chocolate, or whatever else you love—be creative!
[ Image credit: San Diego LGBT Weekly, Rally to Defend Trans Rights, 2014 ]
For trans persons, there can be several aspects to front penetration. You may be a trans man with a front hole that you like using sometimes; you may be a trans woman with a vagina who enjoys sex with men, women, and others; or you may be someone of any gender into penetration by prosthetic penises, flesh cocks, toys, fingers, fists, and other items.
The least risk of HIV and STI infection is with prosthetic penises, toys and other non-genital insertion. Toys and prosthetic penises of course cannot actually serve as hosts for either HIV or STIs themselves, but they can carry these bacterial and virus infections from one person to another. If using these items, try to use a fresh condom, glove, or other barrier for each person so infections aren't transferred. If inserting fingers, fists, or other body parts, remember that any cut or sore increases the chances of transmission of HIV or STIs, so it is best to use barriers for these as well. Gloves work well for items that they fit, but condoms can stretch to cover items much larger than what they are designed for.
It's a simple principle that anything that can be inserted may be inserted, so when a body part that is large and firm enough to be inserted is combined with both the will to insert and to be inserted, insertion will happen.
A penis or clit that produces cum carries the highest risk of HIV and STI infection. It's important to note that this is true if the person has HIV or an STI. Knowing your partner, being open and honest about your sexual history and current activities, and testing regularly are prevention tools.
But so is use of barriers. If the inserting genitalia is large enough, a condom is a good barrier to use. If smaller, a medical glove with the fingers cut off and split along the little-finger side may work. Remember that gloves come in sizes like small, medium, and large, so you may need to try a few to see what size works for you. There is also the inner condom (sometimes called a "female condom" or "FC," but we prefer the term inner condom). These are inserted into the opening and can be put in place up to several hours prior to use. The material is also different from the standard condom or medical glove in that it transfers heat better and can feel better for your partner.
[ Image credit: just an art blog ]
Anal penetration is common in the non-hetero/non-cis normative communities, and it's becoming more common in straight communities. The area has lots of nerve endings, and can provide a great deal of stimulation. Whether you are trans masculine, trans femme, queer or genderqueer, enby, or another identity, you are likely to at least consider receptive anal sex at some point using either a body part or a toy. We encourage you to try it to see if it may be something you enjoy! Play away, my friends.
There are several reasons anal penetration carries risks. One is that the anus and rectum don't have a lot of natural lubrication, which means it's easier to tear the inner skin and create potential for infection. Use plenty of lube, then use more. Go slow at first. The inner skin is also usually more delicate than that of the front hole or vagina, so that can also lead to damage and increased risk of infection. Last, there are lots of bacteria in there that can potentially cause problems for the inserting partner unless they are using a toy, or cause problems for you if you have any skin breakage that allows bacteria into your bloodstream. A way to test for skin breakage
Because that inner skin is easier to break, it's a good idea to use a condom when you can. As mentioned elsewhere, the least risk of HIV and STI infection is with toys and other non-genital insertions. Toys of course cannot themselves host HIV or STIs, but they can carry these bacterial and viral infections from one person to another. If using toys, try to use a fresh condom, glove, or other barrier for each person so infections aren't transferred. If inserting fingers, fists, or other body parts, remember that any cut or sore increases the chances of transmission of HIV or STIs, so it is best to use barriers for these as well. Gloves work great for items that they fit, but condoms can stretch to cover items much larger than the body parts they are designed for.
For condoms, you have a choice. There is the usual condom that goes over what is being inserted, but there are also inner condoms (also unfortunately called the "female condom," but a person of any gender can use them), which can be inserted into the anus for up to several hours before playing. These have advantages in that the person fucking you will not feel like they have anything on, and the material the inner condoms are made of transfers heat better, which feels better to the person in you.
[ Image credit: Janet Mock, posted on Facebook ]
Prosthetics such as prosthetic penises should not be considered toys but may be an extension of one's identity just as any other way we modify our bodies to make them our own for various reasons can be an integral part of our identity. Toys can be great additions to sex activities, and can include everything from strap-ons, vibrators, and beads to violet wands, cordage, and scalpels. We will talk about these together here simply as non-flesh items that carry similar risks when used in sex activities.
As mentioned elsewhere, such non-flesh items cannot actually be carriers of HIV or STIs, but if they come into contact with body fluids, those fluids can be transferred from person to person. Use a new condom each time you have sex with insertable non-flesh items, and if having sex with multiple persons, use a new condom for each person. Also, remember to clean or change the condom when inserting an item that has been in a person's ass into another part of the body because fecal matter can cause a variety of infections. Viruses such as hepatitus can be very difficult to clean off non-flesh items, so be extra cautious with any items that draw blood.
Make sure to clean non-flesh items after each use as appropriate to the material each is made of. This is important not only for maintaining basic hygiene, but also because improper cleaning or treatment can result in pitting or degrading of the material, which may lead to increased risk of HIV and STI transmission. In general, silicone items should be washed with mild antibacterial soap, boiled for up to five minutes, or cleaned in the dishwasher. Rubber and cyberskin materials cannot be sterilized because they are porous, so it is best to put on a new condom every time you use these items. Glass and steel items may be cleaned with medical surface cleaners, some of which are specifically developed to kill hepatitis C, MRSA, and other pathogens, but you don't want to use these on other materials because they could cause damage. A 10-minute soak in bleach can also kill many pathogens on glass and steel items, but bleach does not kill hepatitis B or C. For that, you must use a medical grade disinfectant.
Leather items can require greater care. The first step is to use a strong leather cleaner with a hard bristle brush, followed by spraying with hydrogen peroxide or a medical grade disinfectant. Once this has dried, treat with a leather conditioner to avoid cracking or drying.
There is lower risk of infection with HIV when giving hand jobs or other contact with body fluids on external skin. Still, you can have small cuts that HIV or an STI can infect, so it is always better to take steps to minimize contact with cum or fluids from the front hole whenever you are playing. Some cuts can be small and not visible, so one way to check before play is to apply isopropyl alcohol on an area such as your hand or arm prior to use or insertion—a sharp or stinging burn from the alcohol indicates a cut, abrasion, or other open skin. Use caution relying too heavily on this method as experimenting indicates persons are not equally sensitive to alcohol, and some feel limited sensation to superficial but even bleeding cuts.
Kink includes a variety of activities, and many in the trans community will experiment or become fully involved with kink play at some point. One good resource explaining the range of kink activities and safety is BDSM: Safer Kinky Sex. This is a thorough resource discussing everything from proper toy cleaning and MRSA (methicillin-resistant staphylococcus aureus) risk to blood sports and branding. It's written primarily from a cisgender perspective, but includes language accommodating trans identities and words. You can access the document through a web page of ACT (AIDS Committee of Toronto), or directly through Issuu, but you must log in to view directly at Issuu. It is also available as a long html document at the Safer SM web site.
Use your judgement wisely. If you know your partner, you can verify they test regularly, you trust their disclosure of activities so you can accurately assess their risk to you, then these will help you make decisions about your level of risk in not using barriers. If you are engaging in anything that involves skin damage, take precautions for infection, and apply proper after care. Keep your kink play SSC (safe, sane, and consensual), or better, make it RACK (risk-aware consensual kink)!
If you are with a new partner or partners, use increased safety measure and opt for using barriers. Value your life and your health enough to play safe and stay safe!
[ Image credit: Audre Lorde Project ]
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